Drummerboy’s review of Burlington Arcade in London

Went down Burlington Arcade today. It's a bit risky walking down there when you look like a loser with no money like me, because the Burlington Berties might chuck you out. They are supposed to stalk the mall kicking out the louts, but if truth be told they are just a couple of old guys in top hat and tails. They are supposed to enforce a load of dopey rules like "no whistling!", "no singing!" and "no holding an open umbrella!" but they are totally useless. If I was in charge I would sack them because when I was in there today a couple of kids decided to tempt fate and whistle a few bars, but what did they do? Nothing. Nowt. I was outraged! I thought they'd come charging down with machine guns blazing and blow the kids away, but they didn't even beat them up or nothing. I bet if I whistled a tune though, they'd lock me up for a week. That is the kind of luck I have.
As for the shops, they are all posh and expensive. They are so expensive that even rich people can't afford to shop there -- that is how expensive they are. I saw a scarf on sale for 70 quid. No joke. For that kind of money I'd want it to double up as a jumper, or have a TV sewn into it, but it was just a little cotton scarf. It wasn't even wool! Only rich people would buy a scarf that's made out of cotton.

Don't bother going in there for your groceries either. The only things that they seem to sell are leather shoes, china teapots, wooden pipes and briefcases. They do a nice line in jewellery and perfume too. Most of them don't have prices on though, and that is how you know it's going to be expensive. When they don't have a piece of paper big enough to write all the noughts on, then alarm bells should start ringing in your head.
I reckon the only thing I could have afforded to buy was a polish from the shoe-shine guy. He had ten different brushes and a lot of little bottles filled with smokey oils and ungents.